A philosophy webcomic about the inevitable anguish of living a brief life in an absurd world. Also Jokes

Socratic Emergency

Plato: "Socrates, come quick, there is an emergency! "
Socrates: "What is it? "
Plato: "Something terrible has happened down at the agora."

Plato: "Someone is claiming to know something! "

Socrates: "Noooooooooooooooo!"
Plato: "Noooooooooooooooo!"

Socrates: "We have to do something. To the Socratesmobile!"

Plato: "Socratesmobile? What is that? "

Socrates: "That's just what i call it when i make these four slaveboys carry me around."

Socrates, four slaves carrying him: "Faster! People are being wrong as we speak!"

Plato: "Can i ride Socrates? "

Socrates: "No, wisest men in Athens only, read the sign!"
Description: there is a sign on the site that says "wisest men in Athens only".
Protagoras: "...and that's why I know..."
Description: Socrates interrupts him by punching him, then continues to kick him on the ground.

Plato: "Socrates, what are you doing? I thought you were going to engage him in a dialogue to try to teach him why he was wrong? "

Socrates: "Nah, I tried that for like 40 years, turns out it doesn't work."
Plato: "And punching does?"

Socrates: "No, but it is more satisfying."
Plato: "I know he was wrong, but that seems a bit harsh."

Socrates, narrowing his eyes: "Did you just say that you “know” he was wrong? "
Plato, backing off: "Socrates, no, please, i just meant..."

Description: Socrates is now kicking Plato on the ground.
It was around that point that Plato realized an ultimate truth in philosophy: he was freakin' jacked and didn't have to take anyone's shit.

Philosophers Rebuild Society

Bertrand Russell: "The meteor wiped out everything, only we philosophers are left!  "
Plato: "This is a great opportunity to finally put our ideas into practice and design a perfect society from scratch!"

Plato: "I think we need a wise, enlightened person to be king, to understand the forms and can guide society to justice. That's why we should pick a philosopher among us to be king. "

PERSON: "Plato, we are all philosophers, how does that help?"

PERSON: "I mean...this is sort of embarrassing, but i mean like...a good philosopher?"

Adam Smith: "Look, no need to complicate things, we just need to all act in our own self interest."
Kropotkin: "Selfishness? That will never work, Adam Smith."
Smith: "Of course it will, Kropotkin!"

Smith: "We just need is a finance system that moves capital away from the unproductive landed gentries who do nothing but collect rents, into the hands of the entrepreneurs and workers who will re-invest it in productive activities."

Smith: "Okay let's start with something simpler. Free trade! Each time we trade both of us benefits. Who wants to trade me something for this muffin?"

Thomas Hobbes, clubbing Smith to death with a rock: "The muffin is mine!"

Kropotkin: "What the hell, Hobbes, what are you doing?!"
Hobbes: "There is no sovereign! There are no rules, nothing is stopping us from a war of all against all!"
Kropotkin: "Chill out, we don't need a sovereign at all, why don't we all just cooperate?  "
Hobbes: "How can we cooperate without the King threatening to kill us?! It's Impossible! It can't be done!"

Kropotkin: "Easy. Each of us will work in the mutual aid of the others. Some of us will fish, others build homes, others farm. At the end we will all share in the proceeds and live in peace and harmony."
Hobbes: "Hmm...that sounds pretty good. Yeah, let's try that! "

Kropotkin: "Great, so who knows how to fish?"
[silence]

Kropotkin: "To farm?"
[silence]

Kropotkin: "To build shelters? To hunt? To make clothes?"
[silence]

Kropotkin, annoyed: "Does anyone know how to do anything besides philosophy?"

Russell: "I am pretty good at predicate logic and mathematics. "

Kropotkin: "Good god, we are all going to die."
"See this is why the ideal republic has a horde of simpletons, who we lie to and they do all the hard work for us."

Captain Metaphysics and the Philosophical Zombie

Plato: "Leibniz, come quickly, something is terribly wrong with Kant!"
Leibniz: "What is it?"
Plato: "You have to see for yourself."

Description: Two identical Immanual Kants are sitting at desks writing philosophy.

Plato: "There are two of them!"
Leibniz: "Two Kants! Good god, one was bad enough. But where did the second one come from?"

David Chalmers: "It is I who has done it, evil David Chalmers! I have made a duplicate of Kant, he is identical in behavior in every way, but there is one crucial difference..."

Chalmers: "He has no consciousness! He is a philosophical zombie! Since you can't tell the difference in behavior, I have shown physicalism to be false once and for all, HaHaHaHaHaHaHa!"

Plato: "There must be a way to tell them apart. Kant one, what do you want from life? Happiness? Love? Fulfillment? "

Kant one: "No, I want to work on philosophical problems."

Leibniz: "Okay, Kant two: A tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. Why is that?"

Kant two: "Because i would rather work on philosophy, obviously."
Leibniz: "The problem is Kant is already pretty devoid of consciousness. We need Captain Metaphysics."

All together: "With our powers combined!

Captain Metaphysics: "I know how to tell them apart!"

Description: Captain Metaphysics punching Kant one, then punches Kant two.

Kant two: "Owww! What the hell are you doing, that hurts!"

Captain Metaphysics: "The real Kant is that one, because he doesn't like feeling pain."

Leibniz, as they all start beating up Kant two: "Wow, you are right, this is a great way to determine who has consciousness!"
"Yes, but what if the philosophy zombie can't feel any pain, and is only pretending to be a wimpy nerd?"

Socrates Invents Western Civilization

Plato: "Hey Socrates,what are you doing?"
Socrates: "Oh...not much, Plato, just
laying down the foundations
of Western Civilization for the
next few thousand years."

Plato: "Oh, cool, can I take a look?"
Socrates: "Of course."
Description: It is just a piece of paper that says "everyone is an idiot"

Plato: "That's your entire idea?"
Socrates: "No, uh...I have other ideas too."

Socrates: "See? Here's the good part."
Description: it now says "everyone is an idiot except for Socrates."

Plato: "Socrates, this isn't anything. No one is going to read this."
Socrates: "You just don't get it!"

Socrates, throwing away the paper: "In fact, i just decided that my ideas can't be written down. It's more about having discussions."

Plato: "So what does that mean?"

Socrates, storming out the door: "It means I have to go tell everyone that they are idiots to their face. That's REAL philosophy!"

Plato: "Somehow I get the feeling that this isn't going to end well...."
"Oh and also, if you ever write any of this down, Plato, make sure to record how much I like gay sex."

Plato Produces a Play

Description: Odysseus is tied to the mast of his boat, on stage in a play.

Odysseus: "They sang these words most musically, and as i longed to hear them further i made by frowning to my men that they should set me free; but they quickened their stroke"
Plato, in the audience: "Booooo!"

Odysseus: "Immediately after we had got past the island i saw a great wave from which spray was rising, and i heard a loud roaring sound."
Plato: "Boooo! Fake! This is all fake!"

Plato, getting on stage and picking up a prop wave: "This isn't even a real wave!"
Homer: "Plato, get off the stage!"
Plato: "Look, it is just wood with paint, the poets are deceiving you!"

Plato: "Not only that, but they are making you admire wicked characters, you should only admire men of moral virtue!"

Homer: "I'd like to see you make a better play, Plato!"
Plato: "I will, Homer! And i will do so by teaching truth and virtue, not lies and immoral teachings!"

Homer: "Fine, go ahead and try!"
Plate: "Fine, i will! And it will be way better than your stupid plays!"
Later, Plato on stage: "Act One: geometry."

Plato: "How to construct an equilateral triangle on a given finite straight-line."

Plato, pointing to a geometry diagram: "Let AB be the given finite straight line. Let the circle BCD with center A and radius AB have been drawn"

Person in audience: "Hey, this isn't a play, it is a lecture!"
Plato: "Thank you, but i actually consider it more of a dialogue where we work together towards the truth, so questions are encouraged."

Person in audience: "Okay, i have a question, why would anyone pay to see this?"
Plato: "What is better than learning the truth?"
Person, as the audience is leaving: "Let's get out of here."

Plato, looking at a long line for Homer's play, and no line for his: "Dang, Homer is killing me in popularity, why does no one want to see my play?"

Plato: "Hmm, it might be time for a 'noble lie' to get people to watch..."

Plato, standing in front of a poster with an attractive man and woman doting on him, which reads: "learn Plato's philosophical secrets to make both men and women find you irresistible. He knows his platonic forms, do you?"

Plato: "I'm calling it 'advertising'."
"In the ideal city there would be no poets. Why? Because if people won't go to my show than they won't get to go to anyone's! I'm the philosopher king and I make the rules."

A Brief History of Metaphysics

Also...everything is facts.

Plato and the Poets

"Wait, are you accusing the Poets of corrupting the youth? I thought you were in favor of that?" "That was when I was young. Now that I'm a cranky old man I think the youth should obey the wisdom of their elders. Namely me."

Escape from Plato's Cave



Look, all I'm saying is that Plato could have jazzed it up a bit.

Socrates 101


"A bad teacher you say? Well, it sure seems like you know a lot about 'badness'. I agree, you do know about that one, because you are a bad student."

Diogenes and Plato


By the way, if you are being bullied in school, the advice you will often get from your parents and teachers is to ignore them and they will stop. This is bad advice. Trust me, if you bite them, that will be the end of it.

Captain Metaphysics and the Problem of Language


Yes, all problems of philosophy are problems of language, but it turns out that all problems of language are problems of punching, so...

Captain Metaphysics and the Postmodern Peril


Strawman Derrida defeated again!

Stoic School Athletics


Although I bet even the Stoics would be pretty pissed off if they blew a 28-3 lead in the Superbowl.

Captain Metaphysics and the Extreme Skeptic


Philosophical ideas that can be refuted by punching: 1. Moral Nihilism 2. Moral Relativism 3. Scepticism about the outside world 4. Scepticism about causation 5. Denial of qualia 6. That violence never accomplishes anything

Ancient Greek Office


They all laughed, but Thales's bottled water company went on to become a billion dollar empire.

Rebel Without a Constant Conjunction



"Hey Dad, I need some advice on dealing with some trouble I'm in with the Transcendental Idealists." "Son, how many times have I told you not to hang around Transcendental Idealists? Why don't you hang out with that nice Empiricist boy from the church?" "Berkeley? He is such a loser!"

Captain Metaphysics and the Ship of Theseus


You face is suddenly looking a lot like a problem of Metaphysics, Kant.

Captain Metaphysics and the Wizard of Elea


Plus, everyone knows it's a stupid thought experiment anyway.

Captain Metaphysics and the Mereological Monster


Although when you think about it, it's probably still a monad

Greek Hold'em


I gave them name tags because all Greek philosophers look alike. I don't mean that in a racist way...I mean it in a prejudice-against-philosophers way.

Captain Metaphysics and the Ghost in the Machine


It's one of the best kept secrets in philosophy departments that most, if not all, metaphysical problems can be solved by punching stuff really hard.

The Philosopher King

It turns out that Plato's noble lie was that philosophers would make good kings
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