It was around that point that Plato realized an ultimate truth in philosophy: he was freakin' jacked and didn't have to take anyone's shit.
Philosophers Rebuild Society
"See this is why the ideal republic has a horde of simpletons, who we lie to and they do all the hard work for us."
Captain Metaphysics and the Philosophical Zombie
"Yes, but what if the philosophy zombie can't feel any pain, and is only pretending to be a wimpy nerd?"
Socrates Invents Western Civilization
"Oh and also, if you ever write any of this down, Plato, make sure to record how much I like gay sex."
Plato Produces a Play
"In the ideal city there would be no poets. Why? Because if people won't go to my show than they won't get to go to anyone's! I'm the philosopher king and I make the rules."
A Brief History of Metaphysics
Also...everything is facts.
Plato and the Poets
"Wait, are you accusing the Poets of corrupting the youth? I thought you were in favor of that?" "That was when I was young. Now that I'm a cranky old man I think the youth should obey the wisdom of their elders. Namely me."
Escape from Plato's Cave
Look, all I'm saying is that Plato could have jazzed it up a bit.
"A bad teacher you say? Well, it sure seems like you know a lot about 'badness'. I agree, you do know about that one, because you are a bad student."
Diogenes and Plato
By the way, if you are being bullied in school, the advice you will often get from your parents and teachers is to ignore them and they will stop. This is bad advice. Trust me, if you bite them, that will be the end of it.
Captain Metaphysics and the Problem of Language
Yes, all problems of philosophy are problems of language, but it turns out that all problems of language are problems of punching, so...
Captain Metaphysics and the Postmodern Peril
Strawman Derrida defeated again!
Stoic School Athletics
Although I bet even the Stoics would be pretty pissed off if they blew a 28-3 lead in the Superbowl.
Captain Metaphysics and the Extreme Skeptic
Philosophical ideas that can be refuted by punching: 1. Moral Nihilism 2. Moral Relativism 3. Scepticism about the outside world 4. Scepticism about causation 5. Denial of qualia 6. That violence never accomplishes anything
Ancient Greek Office
They all laughed, but Thales's bottled water company went on to become a billion dollar empire.
Rebel Without a Constant Conjunction
"Hey Dad, I need some advice on dealing with some trouble I'm in with the Transcendental Idealists." "Son, how many times have I told you not to hang around Transcendental Idealists? Why don't you hang out with that nice Empiricist boy from the church?" "Berkeley? He is such a loser!"
Captain Metaphysics and the Ship of Theseus
You face is suddenly looking a lot like a problem of Metaphysics, Kant.
Captain Metaphysics and the Wizard of Elea
Plus, everyone knows it's a stupid thought experiment anyway.
Captain Metaphysics and the Mereological Monster
Although when you think about it, it's probably still a monad
I gave them name tags because all Greek philosophers look alike. I don't mean that in a racist way...I mean it in a prejudice-against-philosophers way.
Captain Metaphysics and the Ghost in the Machine
It's one of the best kept secrets in philosophy departments that most, if not all, metaphysical problems can be solved by punching stuff really hard.
The Philosopher King
It turns out that Plato's noble lie was that philosophers would make good kings