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Philosophy News Network: is Philosophy Useless?



Simone de Beauvoir, as a newscaster: "This week a special report on philosophy: is it totally pointless, or what?" News ticker: "Communist party splits over controversial “no splitting” rule." de Beauvoir: "Joining us are two experts in the field, Bertrand Russell and Ludwig Wittgenstein." Description of Bertrand Russell: expert in philosophy, math, and failing to ground things in logic. Description of Ludwig Wittgenstein: basically a younger, cooler, better looking version of Russell. de Beauvoir: "We'll start with you, Russell, you believe that philosophy has value?" News Ticker: "philosophy professor forced to imagine himself fired over offensive thought experiment." Bertrand Russell: "Certainly de Beauvoir. There are so called “practical men” who only believe philosophy is the pursuit of hair-splitting distinctions and irrelevant musings." News Ticker: Foucault writes 600 page genealogical account of his feud with next door neighbor over parking. Russell: "And while philosophy doesn't build up a body of knowledge, like mathematics or science, because it is certain, but The value of philosophy is, in fact, to be sought largely in its very uncertainty. In its ability is able to suggest many possibilities which enlarge our thoughts and free them from the tyranny of custom." News Ticker: Machiavelli says The Prince wasn't meant literally, it was written in a cynical attempt to gain power. Russell: "the man who has no tincture of philosophy goes through life imprisoned in the prejudices derived from common sense and from convictions which have grown up in his mind without the co-operation of consent of his deliberate reason." News Ticker: Philosophy community in shock after freshmen student solves all problems on the first try.
de Beauvoir: "Well said Russell. Wittgenstein, your response?" News Ticker: Schopenhauer's lawsuit against Hegel dismissed after judge rules Hegel was the greater philosopher. Ludwig Wittgenstein: "That is wrong. Philosophy is stupid and pointless, and we shouldn't do it anymore." News Ticker: Kierkegaard confesses his big regret in life: that he didn't date enough smoking hot babes. Russell: "How can you say that? Don't you realize that your statement itself is philosophical? That you are doing philosophy yourself?" News Ticker: Epistemology Department closes after failing to secure knowledge of whether they had funding. Wittgenstein: "Well, yes, obviously my philosophy is useful. Someone has to point how useless your philosophy is, after all. But after i finished doing that everything else is a huge waste of time." News Ticker: philosophers all agree to give up on the hard problem of consciousness, “it's too hard.” de Beauvoir: "Thank you, Wittgenstein, i think we can all agree this, at the very least, has been a huge waste of time." News Ticker: Sigmund Freud changes his mind after realizing he is the only one that obsessed with penises. de Beauvoir: "Coming up next week: women? doing philosophy? It's more likely than you think. But can they do as well as men? We have a panel of six men to discuss." News Ticker: Saint Augustine confesses: “i once stole pears from a man in Reno, just to watch him cry.”
Is philosophy useless? Well, it is now on account of the fact that I've solved it.

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